I don’t think I’ve gotten out of bed today
Not really gotten out of bed.
I had such big plans for today,
Do my laundry
Go to the library to get work done
Clean my room.
These are big plans for me.
And I couldn’t even do that.
I walked to the dining hall
To the post office
And to the student center.I showered earlier in the day
Tried to do some homework
But I didn’t actually let go of my bed.I know the pattern of the carpet of our dorm
Better than the walls
I can recognize my classmates by their shoes
Before I can recognize them by their faces
I only sit in the back of the lecture halls
Even though I can’t see the board from that far away.
My mother says its seasonal affective disorder
My psychiatrist doesn’t actually know about all of this
My psych professor believes that anti-depressants are bullshit
And now I’m afraid they don’t actually work.And I can’t tell if I’m miserable because I like this girl
Or if I’m miserable because I like this girl and she doesn’t like me back.
She is so beautiful, so incredibly perfect
That when I see her, I half hope she notices me
And half hope she doesn’t even see me.But I can recognize her by her shoes
Because the second I see her in the dining hall
My eyes cast down,
My cheeks burn bright red
And I sit as far away from her as possible
Imagine a life of us together
When I’m done eating
I leave as fast as I can
Go back to the bed I am tethered to
And take the pills that might not even work.
Marrin Fauerbach (IG:@mappin_f)